The Stomach Of A Champion

There is a growing groundswell of public support for Joey “Cheeks” Chestnut in the upcoming Nathan’s Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest, and for good reason. He is now the new record holder consuming fifty-nine and one half hot dogs easily surpassing the old record of fifty-three and three daughters and is widely expected to break the four minute mile of competitive eating… a coolhandlukian sixty dogs.

Secondly and perhaps more importantly, he is a native born political refuge of the Peoples Republic of California, in other words, a red blooded member of good ole blues brothers boys band.

A Chestnut upset would immediately go up there amongst the pantheon of patriotic sports wins alongside the Dennis Connor helmed Stars and Stripes and the 1980 Miracle on Ice.

I hate to say, but I am not in his camp. I'm rooting for the nip.

Despite rampant media speculation that the six time defending champion Takeru Kobayashi will not compete due to a sports related injury I am happy to report that he, like the great Daniel LaRusso before him, will in fact... fight. Although I along with Kornheiser believe the injury is nothing more than a clever ruse to lull his opponents into a false sense of complacency.

Now this may strike some as contradictory considering that I am proud member of the America First Buchanan Brigade, but I would disagree. Kobayashi's success can be directly attributed to American foreign policy going back to MacArthur's bitch slap of Hirohito, that and fuel efficient Hondas.

Some might infer that my support of "The Tsunami" is nothing more than the basic human character flaw of wanting to back a winner, but in my defense I would kindly point out that Im a Mets and recovering Knicks fan, so that cant be it.

Maybe its because of the movie The Usual Suspects, could be, great movie, so not gonna argue that either. I'm not stupid, you don't mess with Keyser Soze.

Or perhaps that as a perennial reader of the Clavell classic Shogun (to save Rhino the trouble of tooting his own horn, I will concede that it was his reco and a great book) as well as my affinity for massage parlors that I am showing my nipponophiliac tendencies. Once again the defense rests.

The real reason for my support of Kobayashi is that he is attempting to win a record seventh straight title and anybody who knows anything knows that......

"Sevens the key number here. Think about it. Seven doors. Seven-Eleven. Seven. Seven little chipmunks twirling on a branch, eatin' lots of sunflowers on my uncle's ranch. You know that old children's tale from the sea. It's like you're dreamin' of gorgonzola when it's clearly brie time baby. Step into my office...cuz you're fuckin' fired!"

Or maybe I just have a wager on him even money.

Now allow me this opportunity to wish America a Happy Birthday in advance and to implore our liberal counterparts to stop bringing such lousy gifts to the party. Would it kill you to splurge on a hundred dollar gift card of patriotism.

And that's that.

EE-Aw!!!