Allow me this opportunity to provide a Public Service Aurorament.....
If you are sick --- Dont touch me. Period. I dont care if you just bagged Angelina or the Mets traded for Dontrelle --- dont touch me, or I will institute the new Super Bowl endorsed fist pound and smack you in the mouth.
If you are sick dont touch anything I might touch, and by anything I mean everything. Doors can be opened with your elbow, whiskey can be drank with a straw ( I will mock you, but it can be done) and strippers, well actually just stay away from them for now --- we dont need your germs mucking up a perfectly sanitary Gentleman's Club.
If you have children the preferred handling method is to shrink wrap them and place them in a hyberbaric bubble chamber until spring. If this is an inconvienance --- see above rules as well as taking the further precautions of showering in Purell and sand blasting your hands.
If you are in an elevator -- Dont cough (and while Im at it -- no small talk and eyes forward jackass)
If youre sick I dont want to hear about it. Keep your "Dude I puked up the Olsen twins last night" stories to yourself and I dont care what medication youre own. I can assure you my drugs are better than yours so zip it flunky.
And as a general rule of thumb keep a fifteen foot radius buffer zone between you and me.
In other words if you are sick.... get the fuck outta my way or better yet just stay home.
40 comments:
Yes please keep your filthy germs out of the titty bar!
Donkey, at long last we agree on something! Sick people need to stay home. If you happen to find yourself in the same room or elevator with one DO NOT touch your face and thoroughly wash your hands ASAP.
sometimes i get in the elevator and face one of the side walls. Nobody ever says anything but i know they think i'm a nutcase. i don't even press any buttons at first, i just stand there staring at the wall.
I crack myself up.
what the hell is up with friends who don't tell you they're sick when you make plans with them?
especially bar plans. isn't it great when you walk in and your friend already has a pile of napkins six inches high next to him at the bar? not only are you getting sick, you're sitting with the biggest female repellant in the room. not to mention the dirty looks from bartenders if you don't know them.
and then there's your roommate, who may or may not be your brother, who has a habit of eating your cereal straight out of the box in the middle of the night, putting his dirty, phlegmy hands on your apple jacks.
these are hypothetical situations, of course.
cough, cough
Donsky, the cure for the cereal problem?
Mousetrap.
Nobody likes apple jacks in their bed, either.
I was always very possessive of my cereal, and like them neat in a Seinfeldian manner.
Damn I really hate slobs. I hate people that eat cereal standing up. Even more, I hate people that talk while they eat cereal.
I really really hate slobs.
And you know what else?
I hate fucking people that are always sick. No matter when you talk to them, they are sick. Well fucking move or get some help or live in a bubble or a geodesic filtration dome...but freakin DO something.
Drink juice maybe. Echinacea? I mean its not normal to be sick ten times a season with the flu.
We need to bring back sanitoriums and germophile colonies. Go away.
cough, cough
wheeeeeeze ... snort. eject large phelgmy globules on donkeyhue's new wingtips ...
Thats hot, Anita.
does anyone else use purell about a hundred times a day like i do?
yes. that's what living in the city does to you.
i may hate sick people, but i'm no girly germophobe.
but here's one weird "sanitary" practice that perplexes me:
certain guys in my office, all muslim i think, have an unorthodox (by my standards) hand-washing ritual in the bathroom. they wash their hands *before* they do their business, return to the sink after finishing, and proceed to drink water from their hands--without washing them again first. then they dry their hands and leave the bathroom.
isn't that disgusting?
is this some sort of religious ritual?
what is going on here?
well, clearly they don't want to defile their own equipment, but could care less about defiling others, or other parts of themselves.
That IS disgusting. Confront them, Donksy! Then YouTube it for our curiosity.
Now its very typical, especially in hospitals where you are instructed, to wash before AND after. Sometimes I actually do this myself too and dont think its weird.(is it?)I also use hand sanitizer and carry it in my bag. Also germ towelettes. Like if I use the subway and feel...icky.
The drinking from the hands thing is kind of gross as most germs enter via the hands to mouth. I dont think its a religious thing though, as much as a fucking retarded thing.
Confront them!
i, personally, wouldn't suggest confronting them. you could end up having a civil rights lawsuit on your hands (no pun intended ... i don't think).
maybe you should just use the men't room on another floor of your building ?? but, then again, at that point you could sue the building for your inability to use the bathroom on your OWN floor. or you could use the ladies room ... the ladies, as you know, are far tidier in that respect than the men.
these guys work on my floor but not for my company. could i still get sued?
and sometimes i do use the ladies' room, when i get invited, of course.
Heres my problem. The sink skeeves me out the most. If I can get out of a bathroom touching nothing more than my junk, I consider a succesful endeavor.
Airblowers are unAmerican!
i think the person who could come up with a way for men to get it done without touching their 'junk' would make a gazillion dollars !!!
or, as elaine benis would say, "how do you guys walk around with those things????"
Touching my junk is the best part.
I should qualify my last statement that although I still believe airblowers are unAmerican...the new jet engine Xcelerators are the bomb!
wait a minute. did the donkey just imply that he doesn't wash his hands? Dude you're disgusting.
rhino, i think he implied that his junk was squeaky clean.
which implies he doesn't need to wash his hands?
but only have them blown. by one of the new jet engine Xcelerators.
cuz they da bomb.
As Yellow would say...my junk is in mint condition.
You know what's funniest about that is that he's asian and his nickname is Yellow, and that's the convo we're having on the other post!
Anita some guys think that touching the sink leads to more germs, so they dont wash unless they can use a paper towel to touch the sink,preferring their own familiar taint to unknown others..
When there are only air dryers, a man is forced to choose between turning on the sink and exposing himself to ass remnants and unmentionables inspired by Shakira.
This is not MY explanation, but rather what transpired in an argument I was witness to between male friends.
Dont shoot the messenger.
what an odd species these men are .. we women are definitely far more EVOLVED, don't you think?
eb is exactly right which is why i hate those air dryers, however even if there's only air dryers i still wash my hands because i'm going to use the purell anyway.
i'm getting this thoroughly unexpected 'felix unger' vibe from you today rhino-itall.
There's nasty taint on the paper towel dispenser handle too... the hand sanitizer liquid promotes the best outcome.
My Nana carries travel size lysol.
She used to lysol us, too. Thats damn humiliating.
my 4th grade teacher used to lysol the whole class ... every day.
anita i'm no felix unger i just don't like the thought of sharing another mans ass germs.
On the other hand, when it comes to women i'm all for getting dirty!
Anita you'd be horrified- not only did my brother spray his cat with febreze but he lysoled the dog's ass.I mean thats just inhumane! He's like Rhino's lost brother.
Once he dumped this poor sweet girl because he swore she didnt brush her teeth once before bed and all he could think of was her "tooth skack" whatever that is.
I think its a man gym mentality. He beat up a guy for leaving sweat on some gym equipment. That could have been steroid though and not Felix Unger behavior...
ahh... so you're not a germophobe, you're a homophobe.
i heard on cnn that leaving your hands wet--a common outcome after using air "dryers"--is actually less sanitary than not washing your hands at all.
i used to spray my cat with static guard occasionally. not especially nice, i know. but that was just to reduce the electric field that was around him. he was quite clean, as most cats are.
But Anita, the cat licks the chemicals off its fur.
That cant be very good for a cat?
Excessive drying is bad because hands are more prone to drying and tiny cracks, bad for germs. Need lotion.
I actually went to a handwashing conference. Hospital and OSHA people.
handwashing conference?
ooooh... sounds exciting.
i'll be sure to attend next year, after i've had my lobotomy.
Wait, who are you calling a homophobe? some of my best friends are fags!
Oh it was torture, torture Donsky. Thats what happens when you have a family full of medical people.
Unions people know about these conferences and meetings, because nobody wants an employee getting hanta virus or some shit.
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