Nothing bothers me more than people that dont know how to walk. No, Im not talking about toddlers, although as a card carrying conservative, and therefore a Nazi...I do hate children. Im talking about the people you encounter in all walks of life, whether it be on elevators, escalators, moving sidewalks (airports), sidewalks, stairs, etcetera etc. Like in politics it seems to me, that if everybody just moved to the right then there would be no problems. I hate to sound like the lib Larry David but the flow of traffic is something thats important to me and I just cant seem to understand why its so hard for some people to grasp, so as a Public Service Announcement Im going to help advance the mobile progress of mankind. What can I say Im that kind of guy. So without further EE-Aw...
- If you are entering a doorway, where traffic is one way i.e subways, elevators, buses...let the people exiting exit then you may enter
- If you are entering into an establishment (i.e. drugstore) with designated directions, please enter through the enter door, and exit through the exit door
- If you are walking on a sidewalk try to stay to the right and maintain your progress in as straight a line as possible. No zigzagging!
- If you are so lazy that once you get on an escalator or moving sidewalk that you let 'the machine' do the work for you...please move to right
- If youre a man, and you are behind me in a situation that I have to physically open a door...do not expect me to hold it for you, and if other doors are available immediately proceed to free door. If youre a woman I will give a five step grace period, anything more youre on your own.
- If two men are approaching a manually operated door...the person that reaches door first, goes through first, if one party is a woman, see: five step rule above
- Elevator protocol: First to enter move to the back, make room for others, and eyes forward
- No lollygagging near intersections, doorways, stairs and other high traffic volume area, in other words get the fuck out my way
This was originally posted on Thursday, March 09, 2006 but due to METS PLAYOFF BASEBALL, and the fact that I am either going to be alcoholically incapacitated, recovering, or maybe even putting some time in at the office, I will be regurtitating some old Aurora Classics from time to time. I chose this one because a new blog Im reading reminded me of it, except they put it significantly more eloquently than I ever could...check these guys/gals out, they have an interesting perspective, but be forewarned you may need a dictionary/ thesaurus.....
....The Emerald Bile
17 comments:
...If you are walking on a sidewalk try to stay to the right
Or, if you're somewhere in "The Empire Upon Which The Sun Never Sets," the left. Hey that explains a lot...
You don't understand Kvatch...I was under the tutelage of Donkey at one point in my life. This is a man that would stiff arm your 90 year old Grandmother out of the way as he cruised his way through the WTC...I would often follow in the tunnel formed from the bruised and broken bodies that lined the floor as he made his descent into the pits of the NY/NJ PA system. It was truly impressive...I've never quite seen another commando commuter quite like him...I might have mentioned it to you before Donk but I was always impressed with you because of this...You are the Lawrence Taylor of strap hangers.
Thanks, but I NEVER stiff armed any grannies unless they hit me with an umbrella first.
Kvatch,
take that empire bs over to Fly's other blog and see how far it gets ya. The Irish bow down to no King or Queen.
Unfortunately, I'm becoming an empire unto myself upon which the sun never sets...It's dark when I leave home and it's dark when I get home...I cannot wait for summer. I guess I should start that diet thing...and lay off the Castles!
FINALLY. Someone who is as annoyed at faulty walkers as I am.
Uhhhgg. Where do I begin. Where do I stop?
-- the cadre of people almost attached to the subway doors trying to get IN as it opens and you are trying to GET OUT. Talk about brused and broken bodies. I simply put my head down and PUSH. I am no longer polite.
--- the tourists who stop at the top stair exiting the subway, open their subway maps, and try to figure out whether they are north or south of Canal Street, or is 14th Street? Can I run these people over? No? I have to just be part of the major pile-up that follows? OK. but I definitely need my Xanax now.
--- I'm hurrying down the stairs to get the train. I am overloaded with bags and other stuff; I'm about to be late for a very important meeting. Miss Well-Coifed and Dainty but Mean is meandering up the stairs on the wrong side. I am stubborn and will not move aside, because I am on the RIGHT. She's got 3-1/2" heels and looks like she's never been shoved in the subway once in her life. She won't move either. It's a battle of wills. I say to her, "common courtesy is 'stay to the right' " ... she doesn't move. She's obviously just plain evil. I maintain my position. I see my train leave. But I continue to maintain my position. I squinch my eyes and say, with all the emphasis this wimpoid can muster, "EXCUSE ME" and continue down the stairs. She has no choice but to get out of my way.
Phew. I'll stop here, although I could go on and on. But I'm exhausted.
Haha, very original post I'll be checking back here regularly.
Card carrying conservative, therefore a Nazi, haha! I love it!
Looks like Anita wants to challenge for the crown!
Thats why I just drive my big muthafuckin SUV into the city and let the corrupt city bastards validate my ticket.
In high school I used rough field hockey to slam the snot out of stuck up bitches. Then I graduated into the school of "Step Aside or Suffer" and many times I just shoved as a way to be aggressive without proof. Commuting was a way to reckon with all of my frustrations, including gouging stupid business men with my heels on the Stinkway downtown.
Then I decided I enjoyed talk radio too much and had to have my Sirius with surround Aiwa and a spot for my coffee. Now its espresso with Stern, bitches. No commuting with stupid NBC interns reading the Gotham litshit with their ipods listening to the Black Eyed Peas. I got capitalism in MY damn trunk. Aight.
Bitch,
Your anger betrays you
Come to the dark side
Anger? Look, its dog eat dog. Time is money and I don't have time to be stepping over the pee-soaked homeless and little receptionists dreaming of seducing a piece of MBA ass so they can afford their dream trilevel in Hoboken (keep buying your Victoria's Secret, sweeties, your ship will come in and hopefully stick around long enough for you to have two puppies and get alimony)
Dodging the corporate 'mommies'trying to drop off little Mikaylacrystalcaitlin at Montessori... the street musicians AKA 'couldn't make a living' nimrods pandhandling to pay for their reefer orgies in Amsterdam...screw em, I say.
That damn MTA strike made me spend ten minutes at my parking garage waiting in line behind disgusting Saturns and Ford Foci. Criminal. "A different kind of car for a different kind of reject".
My Escalade has a GPS that even tells me where the cops are camping, and alerts the skanky dry cleaner so she can run out with my black dress in time for happy hour.
You dont have to defend yourself to me. Im the guy that knocks over gefilte grannies on their way back from zabars.
GPS huh?, one of the very few things that Bubba did in office that I approve of. I have it on my bike.
Oh I am SO stealing that as my next slur. Gefilte grannies. What a resource this blog is.
To think I was going to use 'knocking down rent controlled AARP-asses" to describe the targets of my angst. You rock, donkey. Thanks, alpha donk!
Do I need to copyright this crap. Damn hippie freeloaders, get a job!
You ride a bike? With four hooves?
Do you need the GPS to deal with Chinatown?
"Looks like Anita wants to challenge for the crown!"
Oh NOOOO. I was just venting. That's all.
Gefilte Grannies ... ha ha ha !!
Now, even Anita wouldn't mess with THEM. They have God on their side, you know.
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