Why Does It Hurt When I Pee

All this Zappa talk got me thinking...

Sometimes you hear a song and it brings back fond memories long forgotten and sometimes it makes you scratch your balls. Growing up in the Finger Lakes region of New York, a favorite past time of my youth was any and all activities involving the water, whether it was boating, H20 skiing, kneeboarding, rope-swinging; but especially swimming. I was always a particularly strong swimmer, and to this day it still remains one of favorite leisurely activities and yet the irony is I live on an island and rarely get a chance besides in my own drunken vomit.

Now, for every yin there is a yang, for every sweet there is the sour, and for every lake story there are ducks. As in duck itch, also known as swimmers itch and medically classified as cercarial dermatitis. You see, although widely considered to be amongst the cleanest of any lakes in this country for their size, it is not uncommon to be afflicted by this condition at a handful of times throughout a swimmers life. The condition is not serious and is extremely short lived, usually two to three days and easily soothed. Needless to say in my pre-adolescent days I was afflicted, sometimes on the legs sometimes on the arms. No big deal.

Now fast forward to the Delinquentzoic Era of my teenage years, where my favorite activities were not so innocent. Bottom line is after one night of drunken skinny-dipping and promiscuous sex with a lovely young lady from the lake, the dreaded duck rash greeted me the next morn in regions that a man would never wish on his enemy. To say the pain and discomfort was unbearable would be an undercarriagestatement but copius oceans of Calamine Lotion were applied to the boys down under and all was well. Four days later the rash and all symptoms were gone.

BUT THE ITCH REMAINED

Short story long, the lovely young lady from the lakes taco stand was an animal lover. In fact she loved animals (in this case, the crustacean variety) so much she decided to share them with me. Talk about a double whammy, being attacked and afflicted by ducks and crabs (sounds like a preppy belt from hell). It wasn't the best week of my youth but being the persistent young man that I was, I was not dissuaded from swimming or from lovely young ladies from of the lakes, I do however to this day hate ducks.