So Im in an elevator the other day and if I can say so myself I was looking handsome. Now mind you Im not an attractive man quite ugly to be exact but a custom suit and five hundred dollar shoes can dress up even a hilljack such as myself. Allow myself to introduce...myself! The reason I mention this is not to be a big shot, which I am, but because besides me in the elevator was a messenger that looked the opposite of me...black disheveled sweaty and young. I want to point out the contrast. Good kid. He had a Mets hat on and we got along great talking baseball until around the tenth floor. At which point I cut one. End of conversation. Understood, I broke protocol.
Fourteenth floor opens and unfortunately its neither of our floors, enter an absolutely stunning beauty with tits to Timbuktu. She sniffs she smells she looks at me she looks at him she looks back at me as we both roll our eyes at the dirty messenger farter. We make small talk as we share our little secret of snobbery that makes us feel better than the aromatic elevator passenger beside us.
Shame on her for letting pinstripes cloud her perception of the picante reality which was my lunch. Shame on me for allowing it to happen, but are you fuckin kidding me she was hot. Every man for himself. So to the messenger in the Mets hats...my bad!
Pussiliency Is Wrong
15 comments:
you are a bad guy. how could you do it? That's just wrong man!
500 dollars for those shoes? yo i'm wearing cole haans right now and they were only 300!
i bet it's a mr. kelly suit too! oh the horror.
I have always felt it appropriate in relationships with the opposite sex to give them a whiff of the goods...perhaps throw the covers over their head in bed and let one. If they can't stand your stench, how will you sustain a meaningful relationship. I find it reprehensible that you would leave our brother Mets fan to suffer your gaseous odor and then the subsequent shame. Embrace your stench brother, it is what makes you a man.
I only have one expensive pair of shoes. Ocassionally I take them out and wonder what it would be like to wear them...Yo Rhino, you were a guido right? Do you still have a bunch of Carpezio shoes (spelling?)...they were all the rage in Jersey back in the day. Being cool and preppy (at the time) I never wore them. But all the Iroc driving, puffy pants wearing sexually challenged LA Looks hair heads did...
No i was not a guido. I did have parachute pants though.
I don't recall ever owning any capezio's, but you never know.
I was a jock and i was poor so i mostly wore sneakers and jeans.
Im not sure if manwrastling at 105 lbs makes you a jock...someones girlfriend maybe but definitely not a jock.
Mr Kelly indeed. Good suits bad attitude. He banned me for life for calling his god an elephant.
105 lbs. was freshman year asshole. oh and i also played football and ran track.
and by the way, i think mr. kelly put that pic of you in your tighty whiteys on the internet.
I was wearing boxers jackass, and he told me the pictures were to help the tailor make adjustments. Hey wait a minute...I need a shower I feel so violated
This is starting to sound like that episode of Different Strokes where Arnold Jackson and his friend Dudley got lured into the old man's apartment that was connected to the comic book store. He made them watch gay cartoon porn in their underwear.
Dear Mr. Elevator Occupant,
It didn't stop me from going back and dragging the Messenger into the stairway for a bit of jungle fever.
I knew it was you and let me tell you he was rewarded for his manners. Twice.
And yeah- as Terri Hatcher said on Seinfeld- They're real and they're fantastic.
Jungle fever? The woman was black as well.
HA Thats hilarious. OK so that was not one of my better jokes...
Wait a second, two black people and you on an elevator...were you scared?
Wow, until I read this I just thought you pretended to be a Republican. Now I know without a doubt you are. Thanks for clearing the air. Great story though.
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