You've been too drunk to fish...
There's a motor hanging from the tree in your front yard....
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines"......
I'm sorry that's how you can tell that you might be a redneck from the stand up hilarity of Jeff Foxworthy.
You might be a bad guy if you tell a charitable org that you've been active for some time to go fuck themselves.
Well then I might be a bad guy.
A little background story. I was diagnosed with high blood pressure about two months ago. Considering that I am strong like bull this came as a complete shock to me and was only discovered while attempting to donate mud, which for my safety I was refused.
Now once again I must reiterate that I am strong like bull with a very manly iron count so being the least I can do Ive been giving blood (platelets when time permits) every forty some odd days going back years. I mentioned this to the New York Blood Center doctor?/nurse?/orderly? and they checked the computer for my records. Going back as far as they could tell my bp has always been a very respectable 120/80 so we struck it as having a bad day and that I would try again tomorrow.
Different day same result so I made an appointment with my Dr Jewowitz or Heeberg or Rosen Rosen, I forget his name I so rarely see him and lo and behold the donkey had a potential stroke inducing 180/120.
Now mind you I was not concerned the least, Ive always had the constitution of an ox and just figured that an impending work deadline as well as the possible threat of incarceration stemming from a minor inconsequential legal issue having no relevance to the story... they'll never take me alive I tell ya. They might rabbit, they might.
Regardless I took my quacks advice and agreed to tone down the boozing whoring and general gallivanting for a while.
Well not a day goes by after missing my usual scheduled visit to the blood center do they have me on the horn. I explain my situation and they agree to take me off the call list and that once my bp is under control to by all means stop by for some apple juice and oreos. Fair enough.
The deadline has since been met, I am still a free man, and more importantly I just today got the clean bill of health.... buck twenty over eighty baby.
Here's the beef. These fuckers at the blood center have called me everyday for the past month of which for the first two weeks I explained my situation over and over and over.....
Now I completely understand the desire for my blood as its a very good year, but fer fooks sake... everyday? Culminating in me telling them that out of spite I was going to bang a Malaysian prostitute and that they should go fuck themselves.
I'm a bad guy.
But before you pray for my soul, I should report that I have forgiven them and they have forgiven me and we just had a nice power lunch over apple juice and oreos.
Don't be a bad guy. Give blood.
EE-Aw!!!
5 comments:
very glad to hear you got a clean bill of health, donkeyhue. and fer fook's sake, ease off on the whorin' and boozin' ... your loyal readers expect you to stay strong like bull.
as for me, i've always suffered from the opposite - low blood pressure, typically 100 over 60 or 110 or 170. last summer i passed out at the gym: my blood pressure was like 80 over 40.
Next time you pass out gimme a buzz Im CPR certified (ok not really) and Ill give you a makeout (and maybe 2nd base) to revive you.
Thanks for your concern. I have long accepted my fate as its almost 100% that the men in my family will either die before 35 or literally live forever. It is now safe to say that I am inching nearer to forever.
Because Im feeling generous now that my immortality is no longer in question I will give you some background on the phrase "strong like bull" although doing so will violate any number of man rules I figure Ive got the seniority to get away with it.
It is one of three sentences that a customer of an Asian massage parlor is guaranteed to hear and probably the first english that the therapist learns on arrival to this country. The other two being "you been here before?" and "turn over"
MMmmm...strong like bull.....
MMMmmmm.
Missed you around my place, donkey>>>you been to D.C. yet?
Yeah thats right, strong like bull.
DC plans have been put on backburner for now but Im going to be making a run down to MD in August.
... and worry not, I still swing by SJM, just hard to get a word in edgewise with all the janiacs about.
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