First off, I apologize for my photo editing skills in advance. Secondly, why is it that wacky guys in cartoons are always named Larry or Ralph?
Finally, I don't get it? Who wants a big hairy beaver for their birthday?
Sheer Profundity?
I know when I said, "finally" you'da (uh-oh there goes the grammar rodeo) hoped I'd just stop there. Alas I am very far from done.
Anyone who knows me knows that it's very hard for me to stay on point. They think I am just stupid or that I was probably dropped on my head while smoking a bong as a child.
They are only half right...
And in my opinion, Darwin's theory of evolution is probably only half right at best. No, I am not a creationist although I have been known to begatting down from time to time. No, it's because I don't think that humans are highly evolved. Who cares whether or not we came from apes, monkeys or chimps? How does that help us out today? Through natural selection humans have developed an opposable thumb and this makes us superior to monkeys? Yeah, yeah, yeah...I know we can talk. Christopher Walken in The Prophecy referred to man as talking monkeys. We wish... and monkeys everywhere were offended. They can swing in trees with their feet for crying out loud! But that is not my biggest problem with Darwin or Evolution.
My main problem is with the beaver.
Have you ever read or seen anything about this animal? They basically can live on land and in the water for the love of God (or Darwin, no offense Mr. & Mrs. Evolution...which is by the way a pretty great band name but I digress)! I can grip a hammer and hold a pen...they can cut down trees with their teeth! I'm sorry but they are far superior to humans and yet Darwin chose humans as his focus group. Talk about solipsism...Why do you think we give Beavers names like Bucky? It's because deep down inside we are all anti-evolutionites. We all know inside our highly evolved domes that regardless of whether God did it to us or our environment moved us precariously along towards our current state. We's sure did gets the short end of the stick so's tah' speak. The stick that a beaver makes far more productive use of than humans can and at a lower cost.
When people want to do construction, they go before zoning commissions and beg for variances that will allow for their precious structures to be built. When beavers want to build crap they just gnaw on some trees, knock shit down, slop mud on it and call it home. They don't care who's on the town council and they certainly don't send the mayor's wife a coupon for a free car wash. No, like Nike used to say, the beaver just do it. Beavers flood farmer's lands in this country more than American Idol sucks. Is Al Gore pissed about it? No, what can he do? They're freaking beavers and they do what they want when they want. Towns try to stop them by putting up barricades in front of sewage holes but beavers don't play. They usually find a way to get around these feebly archaic hindrances so they can build and grow their population. I don't know about you but just in case this global warming crap is true, my money would be on the beavers. I guarantee they get better odds in Vegas than man. Did I mention that they basically could live on land or in water? Meanwhile, some guy in Arkansas (or New Jersey) is picking his nose with his thumb, which is just a glorified finger.
Just one more thing on how I feel about beavers...
They rule.
Just one more thing on Darwin and evolution...
If beavers evolved from a lower species into their current awesomeness how come they don't get constantly compared to them? I mean how come we have to put up with being compared to monkeys who masturbate in public and fling poop while beavers just get to go around cutting down trees and screwing up our farmer's properties? Exactly...it's because if evolution holds any truth it's that beavers are the superior species.
PS - I hate people who get all sad when whales beach themselves. They're just trying to eat you, moron. Ask a seal or a walrus and they'd tell you...I dares ya' to ask 'em.
PSS - To the creationists in the crowd, riddle me this...On the first day, God said, "Let there be light." But then He waited until like the fourth day to create the sun, the moon and the stars. What was the light He created? I'm not trying to be obnoxious...I seriously want to know what theologically you think He did...Did God create Jesus on that first day or did He just create the idea of Jesus' light? Without the sun, the moon and the stars would there even be light?
Until Next Time:
18 comments:
on the first day he simply announced his intention that there would be light. it took some doing to get the sun, moon and stars created and in alignment, so they weren't ready to take the stage until the fourth day. the light was both the light of the sun as well as the light of human consciousness. jesus (his son) was sent down long after (numerous millenia, in fact) that first week!!
the difference between human and beavers is that beavers are focused only on building their homesteads ... homestead is a basic need for humans and we have the capacity to achieve an enlightment that beavers cannot.
maslow explains it far better than i do.
Im not one to be argumentative, but for my money, I've got to go with the otter.
Although I will concede that beaver does in fact make for some good eatin', I ask you to consider the following:
The otter is a carnivore, a hunter, a killer
South Park has prophecized that the otter will rule the planet in the future
The otter family invented a new musical genre, the Jug Band Christmas
Otter slept with Dean Wormer's wife
I rest my case.
people are sensual.
vegetables are sensuous.
we're in monarch territory now.
there's probably jarvis probes everywhere.
Nothing, and I am being very serious here...nothing is better than a little beaver.
And this is the best dam post I have ever written or read about beaver.
In all fairness to Southpark, the otters were highly evolved in their rendition of the future. But while the otters evolved, they were still living on a decrepit earth riding around on ostritches while the humans were living in bio domes. Where were the beaver...they probably evolved so much that they lived on a different plane of existence altogether.
Sleeping with older woman doesn't mean you are highly evolved...it just means you are a slut. Yes, I said it. Otters are sluts.
Beavers have standards.
Is the plural of beaver, beaver or beavers?
"Otters are sluts"
And you are disagreeing with me why?
To put this debate to bed once and for all I will point out the beaver, and their brown band affiliation with John Cafferty.
Even the most vocal beaver apologist must acknowledge that this sin knows no pennance.
Using the aforementioned Emmit Otter's jugband Christmas as a starting point, I will ask you this:
Who was it that actually played the jug?
It was a beaver, dude. He was the otter's best friend hence the song "Brothers"
Ma Otter was a whore who did tricks to make ends meat. Emmit gave odd jobs for money...he even drilled a hole in the washtub. How could such a creature even be compared to the beaver.
The beaver who was an industrious lad who found work mending Miss Foxes fence. A lad who was the first to react to the Riverbottom Nightmare band stating, "we're not birds. We're a jug band."
Even in his early career Jim Henson realized the superiority of the beaver.
...and I am a big fan of the Beaver Brown. Or as it appear in the phone book:
Brown, Beaver
If you deny the excellence of such tracks as "On The Darkside" or any of the other Eddie and the Cruiser tunes...you certainly have no knowledge of the Beavers.
Ive heard that Winona has a.....
Primus sucks...
Who's Primus?
Primus sings that song about Wynona; the lead singer used to date her...they also sing the song for South Park. Their slogan has always been: Primus Sucks
Permission to curse freely Lt. Donkey?
Theres a song about Winona?
Yes, you alluded to it.
It's called: Winona's Big Brown Otter...or maybe it's...
i'm the judd with the best juggs.
but winona's all right if you wanna rider.
ba-dum ching!
The latter is who the song is about...I'm not judding you or anything.
Getting back to the original question, I would have to agree with Anita's interpretation, as most things written in the good book are not meant to be accepted literally.
However I must disagree with the second point, for as the Mongolian empire and Motley Crue proved during their Dr Feelgood tour, having a homestead is grossly overvalued to mans existence.
Although it must be added that beaver fur is historicaly and symbolically significant in Mongolian culture, and in regards to the Motley Crue mythos, well....
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