The Geeks Shall Inherit The Earth

It is a shame that our political leaders arent geeks, rock stars (this was written before Obama) they are not --- but the bubble they were raised and live in is a complete different animal from the world of the great geeks of our time Gates Jobs Andreessen and my hero Miyamoto. It is men like these have contributed more to our economy and society in general than any glorified civil servant proposing some bs welfare plan or tax reform ever could.

Guys like Bush Kerry and Kennedy were too busy yatching, debating the merits of Beluga vs Kaluga caviar, and spending countless hours deciding between the blue or red clip-on-tie in front of their bedroom bureau. Their political grooming and hours honing their networking skills prevented them from going into a self induced sugar fueled 64 hour "Zak McKracken and the Alien Mind Benders" coma on their Commodore (mighty mighty, just lettin' it all hang out).

...And thats a damn shame.

Technology has always driven this great country of ours, whether it was the invention of electricity, the cotton gin (two parts gin one part cotton a splash of dry vermouth), the steam engine, the assembly line, vulcanized rubber, the telephone, the disposable razor, television, and the wet t-shirt contest --- all the way fast forward to Algore and the advent of the internet allowing you to read me and enabling your long lost relatives and people outside your normal social circle to bombard you with thousands of unwitty, unfunny, uninteresting emails a day.

I will not address the spam issue at this time, as I am currently awaiting my one million dollar inheritance from my deceased relative Mfume Donkeyhue in Nigeria - who knew, some enlargement pills, and a russian supermodel mail order bride to arrive - if you know ruskie models, Im going to need that mil.

Back to my point. What was it again? Oh yeah.....

At the risk of further outing myself as a geek (certainly not in the same stratosphere of the aforementioned Nerd Superheroes), I was/am a gamer.I am the Atari generation. Obviously a man of my advanced age has other more pressing matters, whether it be personal, drinking, occupational, social, or drinking --- but every now and then usually during full moons I fire up some trees and put the Dell to its intended purpose --- Gaming.

Specifically, games involving Global Domination (muahahaha). I usually just reconnect with some old friends and fellow geeks for a game of online Risk...coming at ya from Kamchatka! --- or sometimes a game of chess.

Shall we play a game Professor Falken?

The reason I mention this is because recently a friend and fellow gamer gave me a copy of an old war gaming classic "Command HQ" circa 1990 by Microprose*. To put the date this was released into perspective DOS 2.1 and 512K Ram (640 if using a Tandy) were the requirements (and a mouse was suggested). Needless to say the graphics are horrible, and the sound...well there really isnt any external sound, but now and again something inside my tower kind of beeps.

What Im trying to say is that if any of our current leaders had've played this game, perhaps our troubles in the Middle East wouldve already been solved.

On pages eleven to seventeen of the instruction manual, there is walk thru, or a tutorial if you will, that explains basic gameplay. That is on the surface what it appears to be. It could very well be the blueprint for world peace. Let me explain. I will copy and paste some of the key military objectives word for word.

1. For this tutorial, well concentrate on the Middle East. Your first step is to take a close-up look at the action
2. Press Zoom. You see your blue forces poised for an attack on a red position
3. Press Show Terrain. Note the various types
4. Time to launch an attack!
5. Move your blue cruiser so that it is adjacent, without overlapping, to the red cruiser
6. If your cruiser is destroyed you will have to bring up the carrier to finish off the enemy. Carriers have a longer range, and you'll be able to bombard the enemy without taking any return fire from them
7. Select the topmost infantry unit around Jerusalem. Select the topmost Iranian oil field as its destination
8. Select the next infantry down and give it a a destination next to but not overlapping the red infantry in Iraq
9. At some point your unit will capture the oil field in Iran. This helps the oil situation, but doesnt solve it. You still need that Iraqi field.
10. Select one of the tank armies and give it a direct destination of an unguarded Saudi Arabian oil field.
11. Select one of the tank armies at sea (on transports) and give it a destination atop the southernmost red infantry in Pakistan in a marine assault.
12. One way to lessen losses against coastal defenders is to soften them up with Navy guns. Move the carrier to just off the coast, and watch as it begins to bombard the red infantry.
13. Meanwhile, lets get ready to attack the red infantry in Iraq. Make things easier with air strikes and a paradrop
14. Press Show Air Power, and find two air wings stationed in Jersulsalem and select the Iraqi oil field as its destination.
15. Time to capture Pakistan. The enemy unit there is weakened by the bombardment, so select your remaining tank at sea and land it on the coast. Once there send into the city.

Sounds like a plan. In 15 steps there is stability in Israel and we have taken control of Iraq, Iran, Saudi Arabia, and Pakistan and have solved our oil dependency problem (well at least increased supply). Did you read that 15 steps!!!

Now before anyone gets all serious on me how war is not a game. No shiite Sherlock, but why not tell that to the "for it before they voted against it", "we need more troops" until Bush says so, "now were not gonna pay for them" take our ball and go home dems.

But you tell me those guys in the AC-130's picking off camel bangers one by one didnt benefit from years of playing Gunship flight sims, or soldiers in the alleys of Baghdad werent more prepared after playing DOOM, or that our snipers skull fucking Johhny Jihad from 1000 meters out werent SOCOM and Medal of Honor junkies. All Im saying is that maybe itd be a good thing if our leaders had a little more Sega in em.

SEGA!!!

Dont believe me, well then just ask my students at M.I.T.

Now lets just hope Japan remains on our side, because theyre motherfuckin' crazy and'll get all pokeman and little kitty upside our dome.

EE-Aw!!!