Put Down the Phone

In our hysteria filled world of today, we are faced with many dilemmas and situations that affect us such as world hunger & war. We have current events that consume our lives such as Port Gate, Katrina, getting shot by our hunting buddies, and unfunny offensive cartoons. Issues that we need to address but they don't really affect us directly necessarily. Perhaps on some esoteric level they affect all of us but not directly (although unfunny cartoons affect us all as they are not funny). There is a sleeping danger that affects us all however, and I call it a sleeping danger because it mostly happens while we are enjoying our nightly recompense, and for some of us that happens after the nightly news or after Conan signs off for the night. This danger better identified as the "drunken dialer" usually strikes much later...after you are asleep. A drunken dialer takes on many different forms...usually they are friends and family, a secret admirer, or perhaps they are simply someone who got your name off a wall in some dark, dingy bathroom of a local dark & equally dingy bar. Recently, I received one of these calls from a fellow Auroran who shall remain nameless (Hee Haw Sam). For some unexplicable reason we answer these calls when shaken from a sound sleep. As it is, we might answer the drunken dialers' calls out of fear that some friend or family member is in some dire situation but really it is my opinion that we reach for the receiver out of some deep seeded masochistic tendency that should be addressed immediately. Regardless, the drunk dialer usually has some sort of earth shattering question that cannot be held, it needs to be asked. For instance, the aforementioned drunk dialer, who shall remain nameless, had such a query. They wanted to know the name of a Phish song and which album it appeared on...like I mentioned, drunk dialers only ponder the truly profound questions. I knew the album it appeared on, I knew the song number on the disc it appears on...but I did not know the name of the song. As it turns out, this was unacceptable to the drunken caller and now I was an idiot...a very astute observation as I was an idiot who had been sleeping 45 seconds earlier. Click. Fortunately the dialer is not known to hold grudges as they usually don't even remember placing the call in the first place and have been accustomed to saying things like, "I called you last night, dude...whoa, I must have been pretty torn up" to which it is customary to reply, "apparently". If you have been awakened by such calls or you are the type of person who makes said calls, there is good news for you. I have these guidelines laid out that should curb the caller:

For Drunk Dialers
1.) Buy one of those kiddie phones that says "Moo" or "Quack" when you hit the keys. Let's face it, if you wanted an answer, you wouldn't be making the call in the first place. You'd probably just go on the internet. Call the cow or the duck an idiot and hang up.
2.) Hide numbers to members of the opposite sex before you go out drinking. This will save you much embarrassment, torment, & guilt when you don't get "any". If you already have a significant other and you are away on business, do not make the phone call...this will only lead to a fight. It will be easier to explain in the morning why you didn't call then it will be to explain the morning after the call why there was voices in the background or why you said that some person at the bar was hitting on you all night.
3.) Tie your hands behind your back, slam the toilet seat on your head repeatedly, stuff socks in your mouth, or at the very least hide your phone before you go out..just don't make that call. Don't call unless you are dead or pinned under your car...in which case you couldn't call anyway but still, don't call. Jail is not an excuse...sleep it off, jails are more comfortable than you think and maybe you will get "some".

For the Victims
1.) Don't answer your phone if there are already infomercials on...
2.) Send out a notice to everyone you know alerting them of acceptable cellular & landline communication periods. This will not stop the calls but if they are dead or pinned under their car, it will alleviate your guilt. You can say,"But we sent out that notice, they should have known better and called someone else".
3.) Throw out all communication devices...this is the only true way to stop the drunk dialer.

For more information on this dreaded problem, view link in the title.