I Should Have Listened To Billy Zane, Apparently He's A Cool Dude

The Irish call it uisce beatha, meaning water of life for all yall anglos in Auroraland. They also sing songs about it being the spawn of satan. Throughout my drinking career I have done did the jig between both schools of thought effortlessly and without apology.

Whatever the case may have been in the past, the end of an era is upon us. I, the Donkey have officially removed Jamesons -- that includes you too Knappogue, Powers, and Tullamore Dew -- from my rotation. Fact is that whiskey ye are the devil, you have done did lead me astray. Youre as dead to me as your dead mother.

As far as life altering experiences go, it wasn't a tremendously horrible event that led me to this decision. I didn't kill anyone, or even get in a fight for that matter. I wasnt arrested or do anything that might otherwise lead to me being a person of interest to the authorities.

Ok enough of what I didnt do, heres the recap.

Was out at one of New York's finest purveyors of red meat with a lady friend and another couple. The drinks had been flowing rather generously prior to our seating and it may or may not have included three or four shots of Jamesons. I would have been well served to remember the old children's tale from the sea about wine before liquor.

All were in good spirits and having a great laugh at our failed attempts to put forth our best church or rabbit hunting voice. This was presenting a greater challenge to me than the others as I am not normally known for being soft spoken skunked or sober but I was trying my darnedest. I really was trying Ringo. I was trying real hard to be a shepherd.

... and I think I was doing a somewhat decent job of it at that.

That is until the waiter approached and asked a favor. They needed us to shift our table ever so slightly to make way for a group of special needs patrons about to be seated. We were happy to accommodate no problem.

Now before I continue I want to add in my defense, that Ive recently purchased the Zoolander DVD. Carry on.

The new diners appeared out of nowhere like the cast from Murderball and I just couldnt contain myself as I stood up doing a mock Michael Jackson extended arm dance move from the Dirty Diana video and announced in my best church voice...

Ladies and gentlemen... IT'S A ROLL-OFF, Old Members Only Factory!

Ok when I say best, I mean the worst circus barker Michael Buffer imitation imaginable. Bugs saw me coming a mile away. Apparently in this politically correct day and age its in bad form to publicly mock not one but two cripples before the second course. I felt real bad.

Real bad that we had to leave before our steaks arrived.

.... but there's always Tad's.

Here's to Donegal And her people brave and tall Here's to Antrim, to Leitrim and to Derry Here's to Cavan and to Louth, Here's to Carlow in the South Here's to Longford, to Waterford, and Kerry. Then clink your glasses, clink' Tis a toast for all to drink And let every voice join in the chorus

It was a good run, Ill miss you devil whiskey.