This is an open letter of apology to the saleswoman at the furniture store in Jersey City, NJ that I called a liar ( and a few other choice words) a few years back.
At the time I had just moved into a new place and needed some new couches. Long story short after about four months I had bought two sets from two different stores and for various reasons neither were able to deliver. At wits end and still couch-less I decided on a mom and pop store across the river in Joisey that had the exact Italian leather dual reclining set I wanted and as bonus I would save a few bucks on the sales tax.
Explaining my situation to the saleswoman I was assured that I would not be disappointed by the level of service at their store. So I placed my order, crossed my fingers and waited patiently at home on a metal milk crate.
You guessed it.... two weeks go by no couches.
Don't worry I'm told they are en route. A month goes by, no couches. Don't worry I'm told they are en route. Needless to say I was not a happy camper and had a stiff back to boot. The constant reassurance and the grandmotherly disposition of the saleswoman convinced me to hang in there, after all I had waited this long, shirley the couches had to be on their way.
Another week passes and I'm about to lose my mind, good posture, and patience as well, so I get this woman on the horn one more time......
"I'm sorry Mr Donkeyhue, but it seems your couches have been hijacked by pirates off the coast of Corsica"
You've got to be fucking kidding me!
Having suffered from partial and thankfully not permanent facial paralysis, piracy was a subject that I had researched extensively in preparation of the inevitable questions of....
"Dude, whats up with the eye patch?"It was easier to just say that I was a bastard descendant of the Pirate Whore Grace O'Malley then to explain what the fuck Bell's Palsy was.
So if a Corsair connoisseur such as myself wasn't aware of any incidents of modern day piracy then shirley they didnt exist.
Tell me anything, spin it any way you so want but do NOT fucking tell me that my furniture has been shanghaied... I just didn't buy it and threw the bullshit flag. Needless to say I really tore into this woman for the blatant lie she was telling me.
Pirates don't exist anymore! Do they?
Well apparently they do ... so for doubting you, for taking my business elsewhere, but mostly I apologize for berating you. I don't really think you should go out to pasture and die. I'm sorry baby.... I didn't mean to hurt you.
Ee-AAR!!!
10 comments:
my experience is don't be cheap with furniture, particularly as to WHERE you buy it. go to a reputable place that you know other people have had good experiences with(and not always 'big name' places) and will follow-through for you.
i recently bought a loveseat, chair and ottoman from restoration hardware and they literally lost ALL three pieces in shipping. i had waited WEEEEEKSSSSSS. i never got it. i still don't have living room furniture because i've been gun shy about the whole process. although, THEORETICALLY, i have some coming this weekend.
ps ... i think you blogged about this story already.
I did indeed post this before, hence the ol' ditty label and out of laziness shall continue to do so every time piracy is in the news, because truth be told looking back it cracks me up, although at the time... not very funny.
But the real humor here is how these Somalian pirates are repeatedly beaten down by cruiseships with water canons.
i doubt that leno or letterman or maher ever repeat stories in their opening monologues.
you're kind of insulting your audience.
but, then again, that's what you do.
So Donkey....
Why are you still wearing the eye patch? I mean i'm sure it was cool in Jr. High, and maybe oct. 31st (that is my date of birth, i got to the party....)but it's really just kind of stupid looking now.
Anita, like the fat guy on Whats Happening its called reruns, but if youd like I could write something up right quick about how the dems are a bunch of disgusting traitors, how global warming is a money grabbing fraud or how evolution is junk science.
Rhino, you know damn well that Ive lost partial blinking ability in my right eye and risk permanent injury if I go outdoors without it but thanks for your concern... asshole. Okay okay that was fifteen years ago but what can I say... chicks dig the pirate look.
you've lost partial blinking ability ... well, that's a damn shame, n.o.winkinghue !!!
"don't fool yourself girl, it's winking at you" -- FZ
You cant blink? Thats just weird.
I bet its because the nuns were right and "it" does cause blindness.
I recall this couch story too. Mostly because I despise black leather. In "the death" though I inherited a burgundy den chair that is actually much nicer than expected, changed my whole view of leather.
Point is leather is an item you MUST put money into. Like shoes, you will be sorry if you cut corners. It will feel like a plastic garbage bag and NO date wants to hear you sit on that.
Thats twice someone implied that I cut corners on the price. Mind you that this was well before the hooker/drugs/gambling addictions so these were very expensive couches. *coughBIGSHOTcough*
I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal. I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.
When I worked in Port Newark we would get $200 a year for boots, and like the green that I was I would buy ten pairs of imposter redwings. That was until JD the coolest motherfucker around told me to stop being a jackass running around like a hobo and spend it all on one good pair that would last for years. Good advice, as I am still long steel-toes all this time later.
Funny, but I took ya for a Timbaland kinda guy.
Being all Adirondack-ish and into big belt buckles.
Now I remember that you used to be a hot port thug. Before you were a big shot. That is.
Still eat pumpkin seeds like a hippie squatter though.
We like a man in touch with his earthy roots.
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