It is funny how the small details can have such a large impact on our daily lives. Like most people I have a morning routine. Rather uneventful, once again like most people. I get up around seven, get out of bed around nine, and I don't worry about nothing no, cause worrying is a waste of my...time.
After shit showering and shaving, I throw some clean clothes on and the dead hooker out. Since I care more about the environment than Al Gore does but yet abhor public transportation, weather permitting I always walk to work. Total elapsed time is roughly forty minutes from exiting my bed to entering my office.
Now everything has changed. Okay, maybe not everything, but everything pertaining to my morning commute once I leave home.
See, I have recently accepted a very generous offer from The New York Sun of free home delivery for a year. I love free stuff and it is a paper I read; one I highly recommend by the way, for what it lacks in page quantity as a new paper, it makes up for in its resolute bull dog attacks of the thug Elliot Spitzer and their recent call for Vice President Cheney to run in '08 gives them some serious street conservative cred in my book.
So what is the problem?
Well, I am glad you asked.
Picking up the paper has always been the last thing I do before heading into my office, and now it is the first thing waiting for me as I leave my apartment. Worlds are colliding Jerry. I never liked the phrase "walk and chew gum", maybe because I am missing the point, but any imbecile can manage that task, even me. However drinking coffee, walking, Heismanin' tourists, smoking AND carrying a paper is a whole 'nother ball game.
I would not go so far as to say that I am a klutz, which I am not, but suffice to say that it is a well known fact that my ties and coffee do not get along all that well.
It vexes me. I am terribly vexed.
Do I leave the paper at home? Go ten minutes without a nicotine fix? Find a new coffee cart closer to work? Dare consider carrying a briefcase (nothing gay mind you, something european)? Take the bus? Start rocking the folded paper in my back pocket look as I did a comb in the eighties?
I just do not know.
In the one week since I started receiving the paper I have tried all of the above options (I said consider carrying a man-bag) and to be honest none of them felt right, something was amiss and caused me to run amuck.
As a change fearing conservative I can not have this chaos in my life. I must preserve the status quo, and am thinking about just canceling this whole damn welfare subscription affair and as a tax paying conservative think fifty cents a day is a small price to pay to restore order.
Or maybe I will start chewing gum.
EE-Aw!!!
3 comments:
I commented below but I thought you should see it in case you don't go back...
I think round numbers are lame when you are talking about a body count...
But when you are talking about a body of work, it's a little different.
400 homers...
10, 25, 30, 40 years of service to one's company...
1,000 posts...
I think it is important to recognize a body of work...I do appreciate that you want to do better but that goes directly to my point. You are provocateurs (sp?)and I think whether or not your readers are liberal, right or sideways leaning, it is important to acknowledge a body of work that is...is something to be proud of.
So no takesy backsy's!
As for this post, I have carried a man purse for many years...I can fit lunch, a paper, my cigs, a beverage (not coffee), my MD player, and a yo-yo if I was so inclined. It may be gay but it is certainly too useful to give up for that reason. I am way past the point of caring whether or not dudes think I am gay...and chicks dig gay guys.
If you can't get past that point, may I suggest just using a plastic bag? No one will think you are gay although they might think you are homeless...
Oh, and did you see the Mets game last night?
In the first four games they have beaten their opponents by a score of 31-3 which is pretty ridiculous. But even better is the number of runs scored in the first four games by their opponent(3) and that the starting pitcher has earned a win in each of the first four games.
Yeah, our pitching sucks?!
Lets Go Mets!
i say stay with the newspaper. although, sadly for you, the change-fearing conservative, a minor adjustment to your daily routine is necessary. may i suggest:
wake up a half hour earlier to read the paper with a cup of coffee ... then leave for the office?
also, re this cheney for president thing: i read a very interesting article recently about how cheney's recent (and not so recent) bizarre behavior(s) can be attributed to his heart condition(s). you see, heart disease causes a reduction in blood flow to the brain, and there is an associated dementia that can arise from that.
now, i'm no doctor or scientist, but a friend's elderly mother (who had similar heart difficulties) recently suffered a similar "dementia" so it kind of makes sense to me. look at just two pieces pieces of evidence: his shooting the guy in the face and his very public "fuck you" to senator leahy.
oh, and may i also suggest that cigarettes are bad for you?
happy easter.
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